I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I wish there were birth control emojis
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
