At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
