First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
