well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Michael Bay diarrhea
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
