Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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