Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
