I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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