And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
