remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
