Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
