I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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