Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
