My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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