My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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