You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
