I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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