she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
