We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
