Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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