Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
