well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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