hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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