what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
