I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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