I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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