Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
