I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
