I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
BRING THE BAGELS
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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