the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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