Screwed.edu
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I skipped work to stalk him.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
