Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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