You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
