i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
