I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
