I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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