Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
