Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
