Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
