she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
