Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
