mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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