if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
