I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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