I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
