I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
