One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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