I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
