So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They took my balls.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
