You made me cry and you don't even care
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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