wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
